You know the old adage - if you've lost something, you keep searching until you find it. If its not of any real value, you may give up, and live without it. Its of no real consequence anyway.
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it - 'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thats Holmes tonight...
I caught Sir Paul Holmes final interview, so his untimely death today didn't come as a great shock. What it did do was remind me of the frailty of life, and how, try as we might, we'll never be masters of our own destiny. From the top of the broadcasting world one year to a relapse which caused an indecently fast downward spiral, followed by, well, death. It all seems very unfair, very surreal, very wrong.
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Everything in Perspective
Seems as though I'm not the only ex-Adman to keep a blog. I was privileged to meet up again with Linds Redding, a good Pom I met back in the ad-days at various functions, then again, quite by chance, when i had him as a passenger in my Corporate Cab. It came as something of a shock to learn that he passed away last Oct of, you guessed it, cancer. He was only 52. They published an article he wrote shortly before he died in the latest issue of Marketing magazine (which for my sins I still get).
Quite a telling piece. He finishes by looking back in hindsight, and commenting 'but what I didn't do, with the benefit of perspective, is anything of any lasting importance.'
Like all admen, he probably enhanced a few companies bottom lines, and made a few wealthy men even wealthier, but discovered too late there's more too life than work, awards, peer plaudits and creating an advertising masterpiece that is tomorrows fish and chip paper.
Leaving a legacy of lasting importance is what everyone dreams about, but depressingly few achieve. Some do it through their vocation, but not many. Some busy themselves in service clubs, sports clubs, politics, charities and accountability groups, with all the right motives, hoping to make the world a better place.
And almost everyone uses their family as a yardstick, knowing that for better or worse they are being judged on how their kids turn out, and whether their relationships pass the community approval test.
All worthy goals in themselves. But if there's one thing I've learnt through the school of hard knocks, its that you need to have a purpose for living, something greater than yourself. That often means getting out of your comfort zone, doing something that scares you a little, something you may not get any reward or recognition for. People, even friends, might even think you're a bit weird. After all, non conformity is only cool when it focuses on you, not on someone else, or some Big Picture that most people cant see or grasp.
I guess if you think this world is all there is, and there is nothing beyond the grave, then anything of lasting importance is not all that big a deal. I mean, whats the point, right? But if you view this life as just a precursor, a waiting room for eternal life to come, with a Loving God who will 'make all things new' then suddenly what we do in this life takes on a whole new meaning. Our lives fast forward to the 'then' rather than the 'now', and its living in that mode that gives our lives purpose and relevance.
I hope Linds found that out before his untimely demise. For some of us, the 'then' is looming quicker than we might like!
Next round of radiation starts on Tuesday - not sure yet how many, or how far apart, but I'll keep you posted. The journey continues - its great to have you walking with me, and others, as we press on. Lets all keep our hearts and minds fixed on the Big Picture!
Quite a telling piece. He finishes by looking back in hindsight, and commenting 'but what I didn't do, with the benefit of perspective, is anything of any lasting importance.'
Like all admen, he probably enhanced a few companies bottom lines, and made a few wealthy men even wealthier, but discovered too late there's more too life than work, awards, peer plaudits and creating an advertising masterpiece that is tomorrows fish and chip paper.
Leaving a legacy of lasting importance is what everyone dreams about, but depressingly few achieve. Some do it through their vocation, but not many. Some busy themselves in service clubs, sports clubs, politics, charities and accountability groups, with all the right motives, hoping to make the world a better place.
And almost everyone uses their family as a yardstick, knowing that for better or worse they are being judged on how their kids turn out, and whether their relationships pass the community approval test.
All worthy goals in themselves. But if there's one thing I've learnt through the school of hard knocks, its that you need to have a purpose for living, something greater than yourself. That often means getting out of your comfort zone, doing something that scares you a little, something you may not get any reward or recognition for. People, even friends, might even think you're a bit weird. After all, non conformity is only cool when it focuses on you, not on someone else, or some Big Picture that most people cant see or grasp.
I guess if you think this world is all there is, and there is nothing beyond the grave, then anything of lasting importance is not all that big a deal. I mean, whats the point, right? But if you view this life as just a precursor, a waiting room for eternal life to come, with a Loving God who will 'make all things new' then suddenly what we do in this life takes on a whole new meaning. Our lives fast forward to the 'then' rather than the 'now', and its living in that mode that gives our lives purpose and relevance.
I hope Linds found that out before his untimely demise. For some of us, the 'then' is looming quicker than we might like!
Next round of radiation starts on Tuesday - not sure yet how many, or how far apart, but I'll keep you posted. The journey continues - its great to have you walking with me, and others, as we press on. Lets all keep our hearts and minds fixed on the Big Picture!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Dixon's Christmas Newsletter 2012
Some years are better than others, and this year has been particularly challenging, for reasons you are all well aware of. But through all the pain and the heartache and joy (yes, there have been times of joy) I am humbled, and very blessed to have had the unstinting support and love of Fay, family and a wide circle of friends who have stood by me and shown the real meaning of 'walking in my shoes'
.So thanks to you all, and may you know the peace of God in your lives as you look forward to a great Christmas with your families, and to a 2013 full of promise and opportunity.
Life is precious -don't waste a day of it!
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Click on newsletter image to enlarge
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Watch out...
The King wanted only the best for his loyal subjects, but even He knew He could not keep them safe all the time. The Dark Prince had another agenda - to destroy, humiliate, and ulimately get people to leave the Kingdom so they would be under his power.
'Look at this Loyal Subject' he said to the King 'Why wouldn't he worship you and call you Lord? You protect him, show favour to him and his family, and despite his cancer, continue to bless him.
Give me free reign with him for a while, then we will see how strong his faith is, and how loyal he stays to you'.
Beacuse the Dark Prince still had power and ruled a large kingdom he kept enslaved for his own purposes, the King reluctantly agreed. But He knew His presence would always be with the loyal subject.
The Dark Prince didnt waste any time. He knew the after effects of the chemo the loyal subject had been suffering from were meant to lessen over time, but he ensured they didnt. In fact, he made sure they got more pronounced and more annoying with every passing day.
He was frustrated that the loyal subject was still taking his supplements and sticking to a relatively healthy diet. I was so much easier if people abused themselves with unhealty eating. He had to work on this.
Ah, whats this? The loyal subject had his portocath removed! That means he thinks he needs no more intravenous chemotherapy, or is prepared to use alternative cures if the need arose. Great! Lets enlarge the tumors in the lungs, not much, but enough to put doubt into his mind. Beautifully ironic, smiled the Dark Prince, considering the loyal subject had never smoked in his life~!
That pain in his side - he thinks its only muscular, caused by too much time on the rowing machine, but it could be so much more. Maybe the cancer can apread to the bone, and cause further distress. Oh, this is so much fun, particularlty as the King has chosen not to interfere! That will call for a bone scan, another inconvenience, another hospital visit, another few weeks of waiting and wondering.
Now for really sensitive part - those warts and growths in the groin. The radiation he had last year has meant they can't easily be operated on - theres not enough 'good skin' down there and skin transplants will be needed. Unless, of course he decides to go for the 'ointment' option, and we all know how long that takes, and how painful it is when it reacts to the other tender skin. Great, chuckled the Dark Prince - every guys worst nightmare!
The Dark Prince sensed the loyal subject no longer had the Kings favour - he was getting more depressed, more stressed, more concerned for his and his families well-being. Lets see, hes always prided himself on his fitness, although that is something of a joke, considering what he's been through the last 2 years. Ah, I know - a poison knee! A really painful one, one that calls for yet another hospital visit, massive does of IV antibiotics and painkillers, and causes the leg to swell and look gross. One that makes exercise impossible for weeks, maybe months. And so it came to pass.
Now that his immune system is severly compromised, thought the Dark Prince, its only fitting he gets a painful - and visual - reminder of what can happen when disease takes its toll. I'll give him a nasty case of shingles, all down one side of his body, and just for good measure, cause the same virus to spread to his mouth, with a case of full-blown mouth ulcers.
He left the loyal subject in a state of despair and bewilderment, and visited the King. When he told the King what he had done, the King told him he already knew, as the loyal subject had been in touch with him every day, letting him know what happened, and pleading with the King not to leave him, crying out for his healing.
The Dark Prince was not happy! 'Why would he continue to ask for your mercy when he knows you gave me free reign to do whatever I wanted with him, save taking his life?'
'Because' said the King 'He knows your power is limited to what I allow, and he knows that ultimately I want the best for him, whereas you only want his destruction. You may destroy his body, but his spirtit is always mine, and always will be,'
The King, with tears in his eyes, approached the loyal subject, and reached out his hand. The loyal subject, beaten, despairing and broken reached out his hand, not understanding, but believing. The King had not left him after all. And never will.
'Look at this Loyal Subject' he said to the King 'Why wouldn't he worship you and call you Lord? You protect him, show favour to him and his family, and despite his cancer, continue to bless him.
Give me free reign with him for a while, then we will see how strong his faith is, and how loyal he stays to you'.
Beacuse the Dark Prince still had power and ruled a large kingdom he kept enslaved for his own purposes, the King reluctantly agreed. But He knew His presence would always be with the loyal subject.
The Dark Prince didnt waste any time. He knew the after effects of the chemo the loyal subject had been suffering from were meant to lessen over time, but he ensured they didnt. In fact, he made sure they got more pronounced and more annoying with every passing day.
He was frustrated that the loyal subject was still taking his supplements and sticking to a relatively healthy diet. I was so much easier if people abused themselves with unhealty eating. He had to work on this.
Ah, whats this? The loyal subject had his portocath removed! That means he thinks he needs no more intravenous chemotherapy, or is prepared to use alternative cures if the need arose. Great! Lets enlarge the tumors in the lungs, not much, but enough to put doubt into his mind. Beautifully ironic, smiled the Dark Prince, considering the loyal subject had never smoked in his life~!
That pain in his side - he thinks its only muscular, caused by too much time on the rowing machine, but it could be so much more. Maybe the cancer can apread to the bone, and cause further distress. Oh, this is so much fun, particularlty as the King has chosen not to interfere! That will call for a bone scan, another inconvenience, another hospital visit, another few weeks of waiting and wondering.
Now for really sensitive part - those warts and growths in the groin. The radiation he had last year has meant they can't easily be operated on - theres not enough 'good skin' down there and skin transplants will be needed. Unless, of course he decides to go for the 'ointment' option, and we all know how long that takes, and how painful it is when it reacts to the other tender skin. Great, chuckled the Dark Prince - every guys worst nightmare!
The Dark Prince sensed the loyal subject no longer had the Kings favour - he was getting more depressed, more stressed, more concerned for his and his families well-being. Lets see, hes always prided himself on his fitness, although that is something of a joke, considering what he's been through the last 2 years. Ah, I know - a poison knee! A really painful one, one that calls for yet another hospital visit, massive does of IV antibiotics and painkillers, and causes the leg to swell and look gross. One that makes exercise impossible for weeks, maybe months. And so it came to pass.
Now that his immune system is severly compromised, thought the Dark Prince, its only fitting he gets a painful - and visual - reminder of what can happen when disease takes its toll. I'll give him a nasty case of shingles, all down one side of his body, and just for good measure, cause the same virus to spread to his mouth, with a case of full-blown mouth ulcers.
He left the loyal subject in a state of despair and bewilderment, and visited the King. When he told the King what he had done, the King told him he already knew, as the loyal subject had been in touch with him every day, letting him know what happened, and pleading with the King not to leave him, crying out for his healing.
The Dark Prince was not happy! 'Why would he continue to ask for your mercy when he knows you gave me free reign to do whatever I wanted with him, save taking his life?'
'Because' said the King 'He knows your power is limited to what I allow, and he knows that ultimately I want the best for him, whereas you only want his destruction. You may destroy his body, but his spirtit is always mine, and always will be,'
The King, with tears in his eyes, approached the loyal subject, and reached out his hand. The loyal subject, beaten, despairing and broken reached out his hand, not understanding, but believing. The King had not left him after all. And never will.
Monday, November 26, 2012
One small step...
After 17 months of carrying it around, 10 months after it as last used, i've finally done it!
Done what? Had my port-o cath removed. Thats the 'plug' that they surgically implant to make it easier to feed the intravenous chemo into. That doesnt mean no more chemo, ever. But it does mean that I'm highly unlikely to have it, given the hassle (not to mention the expense) of having it put back in again.
So thats another step along the journey, one small step perhaps, but significant when you know the battle is still being fought, and is far from over.
Other 'complications' have settled down, although I am due to go in for an xray or scan on my side ribs which have been causing me some dscomfort. Sooner rather than later I hope, so I can tick that box as well.
Still feeling OK, but VERY drowsy after the mini surgery this morning, so its a taking it easy day today.
Thanks, as always for your continued prayer and support - you'll never really know how much I appreciate it.
And, on a positive note, as I sit in this cafe looking over a piece of North Shore paradise, with a cloudless blue sky and stunning beach in the background, we know we are very blessed. As always.
Done what? Had my port-o cath removed. Thats the 'plug' that they surgically implant to make it easier to feed the intravenous chemo into. That doesnt mean no more chemo, ever. But it does mean that I'm highly unlikely to have it, given the hassle (not to mention the expense) of having it put back in again.
So thats another step along the journey, one small step perhaps, but significant when you know the battle is still being fought, and is far from over.
Other 'complications' have settled down, although I am due to go in for an xray or scan on my side ribs which have been causing me some dscomfort. Sooner rather than later I hope, so I can tick that box as well.
Still feeling OK, but VERY drowsy after the mini surgery this morning, so its a taking it easy day today.
Thanks, as always for your continued prayer and support - you'll never really know how much I appreciate it.
And, on a positive note, as I sit in this cafe looking over a piece of North Shore paradise, with a cloudless blue sky and stunning beach in the background, we know we are very blessed. As always.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Moving on...
Xrays are funny things, arent they? My last one (last week) showed that one of the tumors in the lungs had increased in size, following on from the last increase, and yet I feel ok. No noticeable cough, no shortness of breath, no huffing and puffing when I walk or climb stairs. So the oncologist is prepared to 'watch and wait' and see what happens. As am I!
Next week i get my portocath removed. Thats the 'plug' they put in your chest to pump the chemo into, and it hasnt been used since Jan this year! So after nearly 17 months, its coming out. The oncologist, I suspect, would rather it stay in - just in case I need more chemo down the track.
Well, thats not going to happen. Most of my ongoing side effects are chemo related, and even though I don't regret having it, enough is enough, and I'd rather enjoy what time I have left than suffer through more insidious (and guaranteed!) side effects for the sake of a few more years - perhaps.
So thats it, lets see what happend from here. The 'new improved' diet and the wonderful (very expensive) supplements are doing their job, and we'll keep on keeping on.
Since having been diagnosed with cancer, i've been blessed to be the poppa of two more grandchildren (6 now!) so every day is a bonus.
Every day is filled with new promises, new possibilitiues and the chance to make a difference - so lets live them to the max!
Next week i get my portocath removed. Thats the 'plug' they put in your chest to pump the chemo into, and it hasnt been used since Jan this year! So after nearly 17 months, its coming out. The oncologist, I suspect, would rather it stay in - just in case I need more chemo down the track.
Well, thats not going to happen. Most of my ongoing side effects are chemo related, and even though I don't regret having it, enough is enough, and I'd rather enjoy what time I have left than suffer through more insidious (and guaranteed!) side effects for the sake of a few more years - perhaps.
So thats it, lets see what happend from here. The 'new improved' diet and the wonderful (very expensive) supplements are doing their job, and we'll keep on keeping on.
Since having been diagnosed with cancer, i've been blessed to be the poppa of two more grandchildren (6 now!) so every day is a bonus.
Every day is filled with new promises, new possibilitiues and the chance to make a difference - so lets live them to the max!
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