There can be no more beautiful, peaceful place in the country to be writing this - in a cafe overlooking lake Wanaka. Perhaps this is where he new heaven and the new earth will be when Christ returns!
Interesting week - picked up Patricks car on Monday, spent 3 days in Hamilton looking after the kids while Mike and Gina attended a conference in Melbourne. Then on to Wellington,(via Fielding, town of my birth 66 years ago) one night in Petone, great trip on the Ferry, even better trip down the Kaikoura coast to Chch, late arr and early departure from our understanding hosts, quick trip to Wanaka via Fairlie, Tekapo and the Lindis Pass. Whew! I get tired now even thinking about it.
All the while controlling as best as possible my supplements, diet, pain killers etc which now includes morphine - yep, I'm on the heavy stuff now, and juggling all the side effects which, while unpleasant, are nothing compared to what i would be going through had i chosen the chemo option.
Delivering a car was not the only reason to come to Wanaka. I wanted to ask Jim, an old and dear friend to take my funeral. Sounds a bit macabre, I know that, but I'm aware that every day now is a gift, and i wanted to have some input, however meager, into the day when people gather to celebrate (i hope!) my all-too short but incredibly blessed life, be it in days, week, months. So its been a cathartic few days as we've laughed, cried, planned, reminisced, and started the 'who does what' funeral list.
No, I'm not throwing in the towel. The fight goes on, and will do so until the very end, But a reality check like this does focus the mind, the heart and the spirit, and has drawn me yet again closer to God, and His amazing love for us and the grace He gives so generously to all those who ask.
More to follow - you'll have plenty of warning before the blogs stop. Continue to hang in there with me, and never think you are taken for granted. You are part of the front line!
Monday, April 29, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
800 days
Well, its 810 actually, but 800 makes for a better headline. Yes, 810 days since i was diagnosed with the Big C grade 4 and told I had better get get my affairs in order. Something i still havent done!
Today, April 10 is when the maybes became reality. A hour visit with a no-holds barrred oncologist at Auckland Hospital laid it on the line. I saw the xray of the latest lung scan and it confirmed what i already suspected and had been dreading - massive spread of tumors through both lungs and, judging by the pain in the upper body, obvious spread of the tumors to the ribs.
The chemo options were carefully laid out and explained in detail, as well as the multiple unpleasant side effects, the 40% at best success rate - success being destroying most of the lung tumors and waiting for the inevitable re-growth, which may occur in other areas as well as the lungs, after which more chemo is not an option. i might even get an extra 6 months or year, but the quality of that time will be rubbish.
That or up the ante on my own personal health program and go for broke on a revolutionary diet and supplement plan that will be challenging, call for incredible sacrifice and discipline, and have no guarantee of success either. But at least i have some degree of control, rather than depending on a regime of non selective chemo.
So its decision time. No time to waste time. Choosing how long to live time. Very melodramatic.
And at the center of any decision I make stands Jesus, the One who ultimately controls our lives and reminds us that He, not us, is making the big calls and reminding us the He ultimately is in control.
We're in for a rough few months, so hang in there with us. It can be a lonely journey, so knowing you're there makes it a little bit more bearable.
Keep the faith
Today, April 10 is when the maybes became reality. A hour visit with a no-holds barrred oncologist at Auckland Hospital laid it on the line. I saw the xray of the latest lung scan and it confirmed what i already suspected and had been dreading - massive spread of tumors through both lungs and, judging by the pain in the upper body, obvious spread of the tumors to the ribs.
The chemo options were carefully laid out and explained in detail, as well as the multiple unpleasant side effects, the 40% at best success rate - success being destroying most of the lung tumors and waiting for the inevitable re-growth, which may occur in other areas as well as the lungs, after which more chemo is not an option. i might even get an extra 6 months or year, but the quality of that time will be rubbish.
That or up the ante on my own personal health program and go for broke on a revolutionary diet and supplement plan that will be challenging, call for incredible sacrifice and discipline, and have no guarantee of success either. But at least i have some degree of control, rather than depending on a regime of non selective chemo.
So its decision time. No time to waste time. Choosing how long to live time. Very melodramatic.
And at the center of any decision I make stands Jesus, the One who ultimately controls our lives and reminds us that He, not us, is making the big calls and reminding us the He ultimately is in control.
We're in for a rough few months, so hang in there with us. It can be a lonely journey, so knowing you're there makes it a little bit more bearable.
Keep the faith
Friday, March 8, 2013
Fundraising for Cancer - where does the money go?
I never fail to be amazed, not to mention impressed, by the number of friends etc who are into cancer fundraising, Shaved heads, bike rides, swim events, book stalls, sausage sizzles - I've heard about, been invited to, asked to contribute to or appear at, so many events it makes my head swim! And thats great. we need to keep the public profile high and educate people about cancer. When you spend time in a children's cancer ward (as I have) and see the brave little souls whose life is often counted in weeks, and see the heartbroken parents coming to terms with their inevitable loss, you begin to understand the need for ongoing research into new, better, safer, more affordable treatments for those families who are suffering such pain and trauma
Yet I'm troubled by a number of issues when it comes to cancer fundraising. It has grown into a highly sophisticated PR machine, and every type of cancer from breast to prostate to colon (you add to to the list) seem to be competing for funds The Cancer Society has little to do with Canteen, the young peoples fundraiser, and the Child Cancer Foundation is yet a separate body raising funds solely for children. And the money raised, while being well accounted for and strictly audited, is more often than not spent on 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff, like better chemotherapy, new improved radiation technology, more funding for Pharmac, new treatment facilities.
Nothing wrong with any of this!
But surely we have reached the time where, particularly for those 30+ we should be spending some of the money raised on preventing cancer? I know, its not nearly as heart gripping or emotive as seeing a young bald-headed kid on a poster, and the cards are stacked firmly against prevention - who wants to be advised to change the lifestyle and eating habits of a lifetime, especially with our 'cancer only happens to the other guy, never to me' mentality. Other near-epidemic diseases like diabetes have the same problem.
You may think you could never in a million years cut down on or cut out sugar, salt, processed foods, (particularly processed meats) dairy products, excess bread, alcohol, sugary fruit drinks, coffee, fast foods, and replace it with a diet of fresh fruit, veges, particularly green leafy veges, muesli, fresh fish, berries, certain nuts, green teas and fruit smoothies.
This plus a daily exercise regime and living a less stressful lifestyle would go a long way towards lowering the cancer rates among the adult population, and guess what - you'll feel better, and you'll lose weight!
Hardly a comprehensive 'diet and lifestyle' list, but its a start,
How to 'build the fence at the top of the cliff' without coming on as the food police - ah, thats the rub! But if enough ardent, passionate cancer sufferers could be compelled to tell their story, and share how their cancer experience affected not only them but their wider family, we might be on to something. As Stephen Covey said, habits show our true character, because they show who we really are. Changing takes some doing, but if its a matter of life of death, I guess the change is worth it.
Over to you.
Yet I'm troubled by a number of issues when it comes to cancer fundraising. It has grown into a highly sophisticated PR machine, and every type of cancer from breast to prostate to colon (you add to to the list) seem to be competing for funds The Cancer Society has little to do with Canteen, the young peoples fundraiser, and the Child Cancer Foundation is yet a separate body raising funds solely for children. And the money raised, while being well accounted for and strictly audited, is more often than not spent on 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff, like better chemotherapy, new improved radiation technology, more funding for Pharmac, new treatment facilities.
Nothing wrong with any of this!
But surely we have reached the time where, particularly for those 30+ we should be spending some of the money raised on preventing cancer? I know, its not nearly as heart gripping or emotive as seeing a young bald-headed kid on a poster, and the cards are stacked firmly against prevention - who wants to be advised to change the lifestyle and eating habits of a lifetime, especially with our 'cancer only happens to the other guy, never to me' mentality. Other near-epidemic diseases like diabetes have the same problem.
You may think you could never in a million years cut down on or cut out sugar, salt, processed foods, (particularly processed meats) dairy products, excess bread, alcohol, sugary fruit drinks, coffee, fast foods, and replace it with a diet of fresh fruit, veges, particularly green leafy veges, muesli, fresh fish, berries, certain nuts, green teas and fruit smoothies.
This plus a daily exercise regime and living a less stressful lifestyle would go a long way towards lowering the cancer rates among the adult population, and guess what - you'll feel better, and you'll lose weight!
Hardly a comprehensive 'diet and lifestyle' list, but its a start,
How to 'build the fence at the top of the cliff' without coming on as the food police - ah, thats the rub! But if enough ardent, passionate cancer sufferers could be compelled to tell their story, and share how their cancer experience affected not only them but their wider family, we might be on to something. As Stephen Covey said, habits show our true character, because they show who we really are. Changing takes some doing, but if its a matter of life of death, I guess the change is worth it.
Over to you.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Keep searching
You know the old adage - if you've lost something, you keep searching until you find it. If its not of any real value, you may give up, and live without it. Its of no real consequence anyway.
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it - 'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it - 'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thats Holmes tonight...
I caught Sir Paul Holmes final interview, so his untimely death today didn't come as a great shock. What it did do was remind me of the frailty of life, and how, try as we might, we'll never be masters of our own destiny. From the top of the broadcasting world one year to a relapse which caused an indecently fast downward spiral, followed by, well, death. It all seems very unfair, very surreal, very wrong.
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Everything in Perspective
Seems as though I'm not the only ex-Adman to keep a blog. I was privileged to meet up again with Linds Redding, a good Pom I met back in the ad-days at various functions, then again, quite by chance, when i had him as a passenger in my Corporate Cab. It came as something of a shock to learn that he passed away last Oct of, you guessed it, cancer. He was only 52. They published an article he wrote shortly before he died in the latest issue of Marketing magazine (which for my sins I still get).
Quite a telling piece. He finishes by looking back in hindsight, and commenting 'but what I didn't do, with the benefit of perspective, is anything of any lasting importance.'
Like all admen, he probably enhanced a few companies bottom lines, and made a few wealthy men even wealthier, but discovered too late there's more too life than work, awards, peer plaudits and creating an advertising masterpiece that is tomorrows fish and chip paper.
Leaving a legacy of lasting importance is what everyone dreams about, but depressingly few achieve. Some do it through their vocation, but not many. Some busy themselves in service clubs, sports clubs, politics, charities and accountability groups, with all the right motives, hoping to make the world a better place.
And almost everyone uses their family as a yardstick, knowing that for better or worse they are being judged on how their kids turn out, and whether their relationships pass the community approval test.
All worthy goals in themselves. But if there's one thing I've learnt through the school of hard knocks, its that you need to have a purpose for living, something greater than yourself. That often means getting out of your comfort zone, doing something that scares you a little, something you may not get any reward or recognition for. People, even friends, might even think you're a bit weird. After all, non conformity is only cool when it focuses on you, not on someone else, or some Big Picture that most people cant see or grasp.
I guess if you think this world is all there is, and there is nothing beyond the grave, then anything of lasting importance is not all that big a deal. I mean, whats the point, right? But if you view this life as just a precursor, a waiting room for eternal life to come, with a Loving God who will 'make all things new' then suddenly what we do in this life takes on a whole new meaning. Our lives fast forward to the 'then' rather than the 'now', and its living in that mode that gives our lives purpose and relevance.
I hope Linds found that out before his untimely demise. For some of us, the 'then' is looming quicker than we might like!
Next round of radiation starts on Tuesday - not sure yet how many, or how far apart, but I'll keep you posted. The journey continues - its great to have you walking with me, and others, as we press on. Lets all keep our hearts and minds fixed on the Big Picture!
Quite a telling piece. He finishes by looking back in hindsight, and commenting 'but what I didn't do, with the benefit of perspective, is anything of any lasting importance.'
Like all admen, he probably enhanced a few companies bottom lines, and made a few wealthy men even wealthier, but discovered too late there's more too life than work, awards, peer plaudits and creating an advertising masterpiece that is tomorrows fish and chip paper.
Leaving a legacy of lasting importance is what everyone dreams about, but depressingly few achieve. Some do it through their vocation, but not many. Some busy themselves in service clubs, sports clubs, politics, charities and accountability groups, with all the right motives, hoping to make the world a better place.
And almost everyone uses their family as a yardstick, knowing that for better or worse they are being judged on how their kids turn out, and whether their relationships pass the community approval test.
All worthy goals in themselves. But if there's one thing I've learnt through the school of hard knocks, its that you need to have a purpose for living, something greater than yourself. That often means getting out of your comfort zone, doing something that scares you a little, something you may not get any reward or recognition for. People, even friends, might even think you're a bit weird. After all, non conformity is only cool when it focuses on you, not on someone else, or some Big Picture that most people cant see or grasp.
I guess if you think this world is all there is, and there is nothing beyond the grave, then anything of lasting importance is not all that big a deal. I mean, whats the point, right? But if you view this life as just a precursor, a waiting room for eternal life to come, with a Loving God who will 'make all things new' then suddenly what we do in this life takes on a whole new meaning. Our lives fast forward to the 'then' rather than the 'now', and its living in that mode that gives our lives purpose and relevance.
I hope Linds found that out before his untimely demise. For some of us, the 'then' is looming quicker than we might like!
Next round of radiation starts on Tuesday - not sure yet how many, or how far apart, but I'll keep you posted. The journey continues - its great to have you walking with me, and others, as we press on. Lets all keep our hearts and minds fixed on the Big Picture!
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Dixon's Christmas Newsletter 2012
Some years are better than others, and this year has been particularly challenging, for reasons you are all well aware of. But through all the pain and the heartache and joy (yes, there have been times of joy) I am humbled, and very blessed to have had the unstinting support and love of Fay, family and a wide circle of friends who have stood by me and shown the real meaning of 'walking in my shoes'
.So thanks to you all, and may you know the peace of God in your lives as you look forward to a great Christmas with your families, and to a 2013 full of promise and opportunity.
Life is precious -don't waste a day of it!
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