Signing Off...

Murray passed away peacefully at home with Fay by his side on Wednesday June 5 2013.

Thank you Dad for sharing your journey. For inspiring, encouraging, providing us with an example of how to live, and how to face death.

We miss you greatly, enormously. Already. But we are so grateful for the time we had with you. And to know with absolute assurance that you are in a place where there is no more death or mourning or crying or pain. God took you to be with Him. Took you away from pain and suffering, and to eternity, streets of gold and feasts in paradise.

We will treasure forever this record of your journey to reflect, cry and celebrate your life here on earth.

To all of you who have joined dad on this journey, shared his challenges, setbacks and victories, thank you hugely for your constant encouragement and support. 

Thank you so very much.

Much Love,

Gina, Glen, Leanne

A service to celebrate dad's life will be held at Windsor Park Baptist, 550 East Coast Road, Mairangi Bay on Wednesday 12 June at 12pm.

Used by date showing

Those products that show the used by date - just how reliable are they? Thats the dates I mean, not the products. Sometimes I wonder if they bring the date forward by a few days/weeks, knowing theres still plenty of life left, and they are keen to get buyers to discard the old ahead of time, just to get a replacement sold as possible. Or is it a case of genuine concern for the customer, or not wanting to incur any unnecessary class action if anyone gets sick after eating their nosh a day after the expiry date?
Who knows?

Well, I feel a bit the same. My expiry date has come - and gone- and I'm living in that time-warp that tells me that my time is up. its a strange feeling waking up each each day knowing full well that this could be the last day you spend on mother earth. Amidst the routine of checking on pain relief, constant fatigue, juggling the side effects that come with all this, watching what you eat, and when, if you're able to eat at all, watching as the appetite plummets and the food you used to enjoy you suddenly have no taste for - yes, the message is getting through.
Thats why I still enjoy the visits, cards, emails, txts, calls - as tiring as they are they help me keep  my mind off the fact that the 'expiry date' has long gone, and its the routines including my little health supplement regimes that are helping me focus and stay as positive as I can. Even reading, emailing and the VERY limited walks I can do aren't all that stimulating, particularly as most of it is done in a morphine induced haze.

So don't give up on me just yet. And continue to pray, not only for me, but for Fay who is bearing an intolerable burden, being my caregiver in every sense of the word. Between her, my wonderful GP and the hospice, the huge help from friends and family, I am in the best possible hands.
So we can help stretch that expiry date out till its absolute maximum.
And who knows what might happen in the meantime?

Where would we be>

Where would we be without friends and family.? I have this wonderful pic on my screensaver - one showing ALL the family at our end of summer jaunt to Pauanui - all 14 of us, plus 1 to to come in late Sept. our prayer is we'll be around to see this one born, get to hold it, get to see the look of wonder in its eyes, the eyes of mum and dad, keep praying with us this prayer becomes reality.
But even if not, lets thank God for a wonderful journey. we've been given over a year more than we were told at our first diagnosis back in Jan 2011, so thats how we are living it - one day at a time.

So we love getting those texts, those emails,those phone calls, those personal calls which offer so much comfort, support and encouragement. Not to forget those who come around to help us out on a practical level, cleaning cars, doing lawns, leaving meals - you guys are the true 'salt of the earth', and how blessed we are to have you in our lives!

Forgive us if we don't get around to answering all these txts etc, but believe me, they are so all very much appreciated, and as the old song says 'dont get around much anymore', well, we don't! Fay has become my chauffeur now (as well as everything else). We spent a weekend at at Pauanui recently, as our 'farewell trip'  to our home away from home, very precious, very emotional,

Love you guys, so keep hanging in there with us, The cocktail of drugs i'm on is a pretty hard regime, and i can feel its effects daily, but one thing is for sure, I'm  not giving up.Neither should you.

Countdown - to a New World

It was only a few weeks ago we were enjoying the beauty of Pauanui with ALL the family, all 14 of us squashing into tiny bach, and Mike and Ginas even tinier caravan. And since then, a fabulous road rip to Wanaka to deliver a car to some old friends. To be frank that trip was not without its medical challemges! But we enjoyed it, and lapped up the last of a beautiful summer at Pauanui, and all the splendour of autumn
on the way to, and at Wanaka.
Since then, reality has hit home big time. The reality of the lung and bone tumor explosion has taken its its toll on the old body, and pain relief has had to increased to morphine level, and a fairly high level at that. The combined side effects of all the pain relief also has to be controlled, so its a juggling act throughout the day, playing Russian roulette on the drug control dosage. Such fun!

Friends/family have really stepped up which is wonderful, bringing meals, spending time with Fay, Knowing that I'm not the best company right now. Hospice is also involved (that shows you're on the road with the' no exit' sign showing). We'd love to get down to Pauanui one last time, but that could be a couple of weeks away, with the 'to do and to see' list growing by the day..

I'm not even too sure I'll be able to keep this blog going for long - the pain relief drugs do weird things to your head, and concentration levels, writing abilities etc are certainly not what they were. But yes, I'm saying strong to the supplement and ever tweaked diet changes - no point changing back to what was, and besides, I've gotten so used to them its become  part of my regular lifestyle now.

So keep the texts, emails, calls, cards coming - we can't always guarantee you'll get an answer, but we always love and cherish the thought behind them. As I've said often, it can be a lonely fight sometimes, and to get the unexpected encouragement of YOUR message helps the journey, even in these final stages, helps make it just that much more tolerable, that much more bearable.
Almost home - its going to be a GREAT celebration, that much I can promise.

Planning for the Day

There can be no more beautiful, peaceful place in the country to be writing this - in a cafe overlooking lake Wanaka. Perhaps this is where he new heaven and the new earth will be when Christ returns!
Interesting week - picked up Patricks car on Monday, spent 3 days in Hamilton looking after the kids while Mike and Gina attended a conference in Melbourne. Then on to Wellington,(via Fielding, town of my birth 66 years ago) one night in Petone, great trip on the Ferry, even better trip down the Kaikoura coast to Chch, late arr and early departure from our understanding hosts, quick trip to Wanaka via Fairlie, Tekapo and the Lindis Pass. Whew! I get tired now even thinking about it.
All the while controlling as best as possible my supplements, diet, pain killers etc which now includes morphine - yep, I'm on the heavy stuff now, and juggling all the side effects which, while unpleasant, are nothing compared to what i would be going through had i chosen the chemo option.

Delivering a car was not the only reason to come to Wanaka. I wanted to ask Jim, an old and dear friend to take my funeral. Sounds a bit macabre, I know that, but I'm aware that every day now is a gift, and i wanted to have some input, however meager, into the day when people gather to celebrate (i hope!) my all-too short but incredibly blessed life, be it in days, week, months. So its been a cathartic few days as we've laughed, cried, planned, reminisced, and started the 'who does what' funeral list.
No, I'm not throwing in the towel. The fight goes on, and will do so until the very end, But a reality check like this does focus the mind, the heart and the spirit, and has drawn me yet again closer to God, and His amazing love for us and the grace He gives so generously to all those who ask.

More to follow - you'll have plenty of warning before the blogs stop. Continue to hang in there with me, and never think you are taken for granted. You are part of the front line!

800 days

Well, its 810 actually, but 800 makes for a better headline. Yes, 810 days since i was diagnosed with the Big C grade 4 and told I had better get get my affairs in order. Something i still havent done!
Today, April 10 is when the maybes became reality. A hour visit with a no-holds barrred oncologist at Auckland Hospital laid it on the line. I saw the xray of the latest lung scan and it confirmed what i already suspected and had been dreading - massive spread of tumors through both lungs and, judging by the pain in the upper body, obvious spread of the tumors to the  ribs.
The chemo options were carefully laid out and explained in detail, as well as the multiple unpleasant side effects, the 40% at best success rate - success being destroying most of the lung tumors and waiting for the inevitable re-growth, which may occur in other areas as well as the lungs, after which more chemo is not an option. i might even get an extra 6 months or year, but the quality of that time will be rubbish.

That or up the ante on my own personal health program and go for broke on a revolutionary diet and supplement plan that will be challenging, call for incredible sacrifice and discipline, and have no guarantee of success either. But at least i have some degree of control, rather than depending on a regime of non selective chemo.
So its decision time. No time to waste time. Choosing how long to live time. Very melodramatic.
And at the center of any decision I make stands Jesus, the One who ultimately controls our lives and reminds us that He, not us, is making the big calls and reminding us the He ultimately is in control.

We're in for a rough few months, so hang in there with us. It can be a lonely journey, so knowing you're there makes it a little bit more bearable.
Keep the faith

Fundraising for Cancer - where does the money go?

I never fail to be amazed, not to mention impressed, by the number of friends etc who are into cancer fundraising, Shaved heads, bike rides, swim events, book stalls, sausage sizzles - I've heard about, been invited to, asked to contribute to or appear at, so many events it makes my head swim! And thats great. we need to keep the public profile high and educate people about cancer. When you spend time in a children's cancer ward (as I have) and see the brave little souls whose life is often counted in weeks, and see the heartbroken parents coming to terms with their inevitable loss, you begin to understand the need for ongoing research into new, better, safer, more affordable treatments for those  families who are suffering such pain and trauma

Yet I'm troubled by a number of issues when it comes to cancer fundraising. It has grown into a highly sophisticated PR machine, and every type of cancer from breast to prostate to colon (you add to to the list) seem to be competing for funds The Cancer Society has little to do with Canteen, the young peoples fundraiser, and the Child Cancer Foundation is yet a separate body raising funds solely for children. And the money raised, while being well accounted for and strictly audited, is more often than not spent on 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff, like better chemotherapy,  new improved radiation technology, more funding for Pharmac, new treatment facilities.
Nothing wrong with any of this!

But surely we have reached the time where, particularly for those 30+ we should be spending some of the money raised on preventing cancer? I know, its not nearly as heart gripping or emotive as seeing a young bald-headed kid on a poster, and the cards are stacked firmly against prevention - who wants to be advised to change the lifestyle and eating habits of a lifetime, especially with our 'cancer only happens to the other guy, never to me' mentality. Other near-epidemic diseases like diabetes have the same problem.
You may think you could never in a million years cut down on or cut out sugar, salt, processed foods, (particularly processed meats) dairy products, excess bread, alcohol, sugary fruit drinks, coffee, fast foods, and replace it with a diet of fresh fruit, veges, particularly green leafy veges, muesli,  fresh fish, berries, certain nuts, green teas and fruit smoothies.
This plus a daily exercise regime and living a less stressful lifestyle would go a long way towards lowering the cancer rates among the adult population, and guess what - you'll feel better, and you'll lose weight!
Hardly a comprehensive 'diet and lifestyle' list, but its a start,

How to 'build the fence at the top of the cliff' without coming on as the food police - ah, thats the rub! But if enough ardent, passionate cancer sufferers could be compelled to tell their story, and share how their cancer experience affected not only them but their wider family, we might be on to something. As Stephen Covey said, habits show our true character, because they show who we really are. Changing takes some doing, but if its a matter of life of death, I guess the change is worth it.

Over to you.

Keep searching

You know the old adage - if you've lost something, you keep searching until you find it. If its not of any real value, you may give up, and live without it. Its of no real consequence anyway.
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it -  'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!

Thats Holmes tonight...

I caught Sir Paul Holmes final interview, so his untimely death today didn't come as a great shock. What it did do was remind me of the frailty of life, and how, try as we might, we'll never be masters of our own destiny. From the top of the broadcasting world one year to a relapse which caused an indecently fast downward spiral, followed by, well, death. It all seems very unfair, very surreal, very wrong.
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.

My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.

Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up -  a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!

Everything in Perspective

Seems as though I'm not the only ex-Adman to keep a blog. I was privileged to meet up again with Linds Redding, a good Pom I met back in the ad-days at various functions, then again, quite by chance, when i had him as a passenger in my Corporate Cab. It came as something of a shock to learn that he passed away last Oct of, you guessed it, cancer. He was only 52. They published an article he wrote shortly before he died in the latest issue of Marketing magazine (which for my sins I still get).
Quite a telling piece. He finishes by looking back in hindsight, and commenting 'but what I didn't do, with the benefit of perspective, is anything of any lasting importance.'
 Like all admen, he probably enhanced a few companies bottom lines, and made a few wealthy men even wealthier, but discovered too late there's more too life than work, awards, peer plaudits and creating an advertising masterpiece that is tomorrows fish and chip paper.

Leaving a legacy of lasting importance is what everyone dreams about, but depressingly few achieve. Some do it through their vocation, but not many. Some busy themselves in service clubs, sports clubs, politics, charities and accountability groups, with all the right motives, hoping to make the world a better place.
And almost everyone uses their family as a yardstick, knowing that for better or worse they are being judged on how their kids turn out, and whether their relationships pass the community approval test.
All worthy goals in themselves. But if there's one thing I've learnt through the school of hard knocks, its that you need to have a purpose for living,  something greater than yourself. That often means getting out of your comfort zone, doing something that scares you a little, something you may not  get any reward or recognition for. People, even friends, might even think you're a bit weird. After all, non conformity is only cool when it focuses on you, not on someone else, or some Big Picture that most people cant see or grasp.

I guess if you think this world is all there is, and there is nothing beyond the grave, then anything of lasting importance is not all that big a deal. I mean, whats the point, right? But if you view this life as just a precursor, a waiting room for eternal life to come, with a Loving God who will 'make all things new' then suddenly what we do in this life takes on a whole new meaning. Our lives fast forward to the 'then' rather than the 'now', and its living in that mode that gives our lives purpose and relevance.
I hope Linds  found that out before his untimely demise. For some of us, the 'then' is looming quicker than we might like!

Next round of radiation starts on Tuesday - not sure yet how many, or how far apart, but I'll keep you posted. The journey continues - its great to have you walking with me, and others, as we press on. Lets all keep our hearts and minds fixed on the Big Picture!