Where would we be without friends and family.? I have this wonderful pic on my screensaver - one showing ALL the family at our end of summer jaunt to Pauanui - all 14 of us, plus 1 to to come in late Sept. our prayer is we'll be around to see this one born, get to hold it, get to see the look of wonder in its eyes, the eyes of mum and dad, keep praying with us this prayer becomes reality.
But even if not, lets thank God for a wonderful journey. we've been given over a year more than we were told at our first diagnosis back in Jan 2011, so thats how we are living it - one day at a time.
So we love getting those texts, those emails,those phone calls, those personal calls which offer so much comfort, support and encouragement. Not to forget those who come around to help us out on a practical level, cleaning cars, doing lawns, leaving meals - you guys are the true 'salt of the earth', and how blessed we are to have you in our lives!
Forgive us if we don't get around to answering all these txts etc, but believe me, they are so all very much appreciated, and as the old song says 'dont get around much anymore', well, we don't! Fay has become my chauffeur now (as well as everything else). We spent a weekend at at Pauanui recently, as our 'farewell trip' to our home away from home, very precious, very emotional,
Love you guys, so keep hanging in there with us, The cocktail of drugs i'm on is a pretty hard regime, and i can feel its effects daily, but one thing is for sure, I'm not giving up.Neither should you.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Countdown - to a New World
It was only a few weeks ago we were enjoying the beauty of Pauanui with ALL the family, all 14 of us squashing into tiny bach, and Mike and Ginas even tinier caravan. And since then, a fabulous road rip to Wanaka to deliver a car to some old friends. To be frank that trip was not without its medical challemges! But we enjoyed it, and lapped up the last of a beautiful summer at Pauanui, and all the splendour of autumn
on the way to, and at Wanaka.
Since then, reality has hit home big time. The reality of the lung and bone tumor explosion has taken its its toll on the old body, and pain relief has had to increased to morphine level, and a fairly high level at that. The combined side effects of all the pain relief also has to be controlled, so its a juggling act throughout the day, playing Russian roulette on the drug control dosage. Such fun!
Friends/family have really stepped up which is wonderful, bringing meals, spending time with Fay, Knowing that I'm not the best company right now. Hospice is also involved (that shows you're on the road with the' no exit' sign showing). We'd love to get down to Pauanui one last time, but that could be a couple of weeks away, with the 'to do and to see' list growing by the day..
I'm not even too sure I'll be able to keep this blog going for long - the pain relief drugs do weird things to your head, and concentration levels, writing abilities etc are certainly not what they were. But yes, I'm saying strong to the supplement and ever tweaked diet changes - no point changing back to what was, and besides, I've gotten so used to them its become part of my regular lifestyle now.
So keep the texts, emails, calls, cards coming - we can't always guarantee you'll get an answer, but we always love and cherish the thought behind them. As I've said often, it can be a lonely fight sometimes, and to get the unexpected encouragement of YOUR message helps the journey, even in these final stages, helps make it just that much more tolerable, that much more bearable.
Almost home - its going to be a GREAT celebration, that much I can promise.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Planning for the Day
There can be no more beautiful, peaceful place in the country to be writing this - in a cafe overlooking lake Wanaka. Perhaps this is where he new heaven and the new earth will be when Christ returns!
Interesting week - picked up Patricks car on Monday, spent 3 days in Hamilton looking after the kids while Mike and Gina attended a conference in Melbourne. Then on to Wellington,(via Fielding, town of my birth 66 years ago) one night in Petone, great trip on the Ferry, even better trip down the Kaikoura coast to Chch, late arr and early departure from our understanding hosts, quick trip to Wanaka via Fairlie, Tekapo and the Lindis Pass. Whew! I get tired now even thinking about it.
All the while controlling as best as possible my supplements, diet, pain killers etc which now includes morphine - yep, I'm on the heavy stuff now, and juggling all the side effects which, while unpleasant, are nothing compared to what i would be going through had i chosen the chemo option.
Delivering a car was not the only reason to come to Wanaka. I wanted to ask Jim, an old and dear friend to take my funeral. Sounds a bit macabre, I know that, but I'm aware that every day now is a gift, and i wanted to have some input, however meager, into the day when people gather to celebrate (i hope!) my all-too short but incredibly blessed life, be it in days, week, months. So its been a cathartic few days as we've laughed, cried, planned, reminisced, and started the 'who does what' funeral list.
No, I'm not throwing in the towel. The fight goes on, and will do so until the very end, But a reality check like this does focus the mind, the heart and the spirit, and has drawn me yet again closer to God, and His amazing love for us and the grace He gives so generously to all those who ask.
More to follow - you'll have plenty of warning before the blogs stop. Continue to hang in there with me, and never think you are taken for granted. You are part of the front line!
Interesting week - picked up Patricks car on Monday, spent 3 days in Hamilton looking after the kids while Mike and Gina attended a conference in Melbourne. Then on to Wellington,(via Fielding, town of my birth 66 years ago) one night in Petone, great trip on the Ferry, even better trip down the Kaikoura coast to Chch, late arr and early departure from our understanding hosts, quick trip to Wanaka via Fairlie, Tekapo and the Lindis Pass. Whew! I get tired now even thinking about it.
All the while controlling as best as possible my supplements, diet, pain killers etc which now includes morphine - yep, I'm on the heavy stuff now, and juggling all the side effects which, while unpleasant, are nothing compared to what i would be going through had i chosen the chemo option.
Delivering a car was not the only reason to come to Wanaka. I wanted to ask Jim, an old and dear friend to take my funeral. Sounds a bit macabre, I know that, but I'm aware that every day now is a gift, and i wanted to have some input, however meager, into the day when people gather to celebrate (i hope!) my all-too short but incredibly blessed life, be it in days, week, months. So its been a cathartic few days as we've laughed, cried, planned, reminisced, and started the 'who does what' funeral list.
No, I'm not throwing in the towel. The fight goes on, and will do so until the very end, But a reality check like this does focus the mind, the heart and the spirit, and has drawn me yet again closer to God, and His amazing love for us and the grace He gives so generously to all those who ask.
More to follow - you'll have plenty of warning before the blogs stop. Continue to hang in there with me, and never think you are taken for granted. You are part of the front line!
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
800 days
Well, its 810 actually, but 800 makes for a better headline. Yes, 810 days since i was diagnosed with the Big C grade 4 and told I had better get get my affairs in order. Something i still havent done!
Today, April 10 is when the maybes became reality. A hour visit with a no-holds barrred oncologist at Auckland Hospital laid it on the line. I saw the xray of the latest lung scan and it confirmed what i already suspected and had been dreading - massive spread of tumors through both lungs and, judging by the pain in the upper body, obvious spread of the tumors to the ribs.
The chemo options were carefully laid out and explained in detail, as well as the multiple unpleasant side effects, the 40% at best success rate - success being destroying most of the lung tumors and waiting for the inevitable re-growth, which may occur in other areas as well as the lungs, after which more chemo is not an option. i might even get an extra 6 months or year, but the quality of that time will be rubbish.
That or up the ante on my own personal health program and go for broke on a revolutionary diet and supplement plan that will be challenging, call for incredible sacrifice and discipline, and have no guarantee of success either. But at least i have some degree of control, rather than depending on a regime of non selective chemo.
So its decision time. No time to waste time. Choosing how long to live time. Very melodramatic.
And at the center of any decision I make stands Jesus, the One who ultimately controls our lives and reminds us that He, not us, is making the big calls and reminding us the He ultimately is in control.
We're in for a rough few months, so hang in there with us. It can be a lonely journey, so knowing you're there makes it a little bit more bearable.
Keep the faith
Today, April 10 is when the maybes became reality. A hour visit with a no-holds barrred oncologist at Auckland Hospital laid it on the line. I saw the xray of the latest lung scan and it confirmed what i already suspected and had been dreading - massive spread of tumors through both lungs and, judging by the pain in the upper body, obvious spread of the tumors to the ribs.
The chemo options were carefully laid out and explained in detail, as well as the multiple unpleasant side effects, the 40% at best success rate - success being destroying most of the lung tumors and waiting for the inevitable re-growth, which may occur in other areas as well as the lungs, after which more chemo is not an option. i might even get an extra 6 months or year, but the quality of that time will be rubbish.
That or up the ante on my own personal health program and go for broke on a revolutionary diet and supplement plan that will be challenging, call for incredible sacrifice and discipline, and have no guarantee of success either. But at least i have some degree of control, rather than depending on a regime of non selective chemo.
So its decision time. No time to waste time. Choosing how long to live time. Very melodramatic.
And at the center of any decision I make stands Jesus, the One who ultimately controls our lives and reminds us that He, not us, is making the big calls and reminding us the He ultimately is in control.
We're in for a rough few months, so hang in there with us. It can be a lonely journey, so knowing you're there makes it a little bit more bearable.
Keep the faith
Friday, March 8, 2013
Fundraising for Cancer - where does the money go?
I never fail to be amazed, not to mention impressed, by the number of friends etc who are into cancer fundraising, Shaved heads, bike rides, swim events, book stalls, sausage sizzles - I've heard about, been invited to, asked to contribute to or appear at, so many events it makes my head swim! And thats great. we need to keep the public profile high and educate people about cancer. When you spend time in a children's cancer ward (as I have) and see the brave little souls whose life is often counted in weeks, and see the heartbroken parents coming to terms with their inevitable loss, you begin to understand the need for ongoing research into new, better, safer, more affordable treatments for those families who are suffering such pain and trauma
Yet I'm troubled by a number of issues when it comes to cancer fundraising. It has grown into a highly sophisticated PR machine, and every type of cancer from breast to prostate to colon (you add to to the list) seem to be competing for funds The Cancer Society has little to do with Canteen, the young peoples fundraiser, and the Child Cancer Foundation is yet a separate body raising funds solely for children. And the money raised, while being well accounted for and strictly audited, is more often than not spent on 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff, like better chemotherapy, new improved radiation technology, more funding for Pharmac, new treatment facilities.
Nothing wrong with any of this!
But surely we have reached the time where, particularly for those 30+ we should be spending some of the money raised on preventing cancer? I know, its not nearly as heart gripping or emotive as seeing a young bald-headed kid on a poster, and the cards are stacked firmly against prevention - who wants to be advised to change the lifestyle and eating habits of a lifetime, especially with our 'cancer only happens to the other guy, never to me' mentality. Other near-epidemic diseases like diabetes have the same problem.
You may think you could never in a million years cut down on or cut out sugar, salt, processed foods, (particularly processed meats) dairy products, excess bread, alcohol, sugary fruit drinks, coffee, fast foods, and replace it with a diet of fresh fruit, veges, particularly green leafy veges, muesli, fresh fish, berries, certain nuts, green teas and fruit smoothies.
This plus a daily exercise regime and living a less stressful lifestyle would go a long way towards lowering the cancer rates among the adult population, and guess what - you'll feel better, and you'll lose weight!
Hardly a comprehensive 'diet and lifestyle' list, but its a start,
How to 'build the fence at the top of the cliff' without coming on as the food police - ah, thats the rub! But if enough ardent, passionate cancer sufferers could be compelled to tell their story, and share how their cancer experience affected not only them but their wider family, we might be on to something. As Stephen Covey said, habits show our true character, because they show who we really are. Changing takes some doing, but if its a matter of life of death, I guess the change is worth it.
Over to you.
Yet I'm troubled by a number of issues when it comes to cancer fundraising. It has grown into a highly sophisticated PR machine, and every type of cancer from breast to prostate to colon (you add to to the list) seem to be competing for funds The Cancer Society has little to do with Canteen, the young peoples fundraiser, and the Child Cancer Foundation is yet a separate body raising funds solely for children. And the money raised, while being well accounted for and strictly audited, is more often than not spent on 'ambulance at the bottom of the cliff' stuff, like better chemotherapy, new improved radiation technology, more funding for Pharmac, new treatment facilities.
Nothing wrong with any of this!
But surely we have reached the time where, particularly for those 30+ we should be spending some of the money raised on preventing cancer? I know, its not nearly as heart gripping or emotive as seeing a young bald-headed kid on a poster, and the cards are stacked firmly against prevention - who wants to be advised to change the lifestyle and eating habits of a lifetime, especially with our 'cancer only happens to the other guy, never to me' mentality. Other near-epidemic diseases like diabetes have the same problem.
You may think you could never in a million years cut down on or cut out sugar, salt, processed foods, (particularly processed meats) dairy products, excess bread, alcohol, sugary fruit drinks, coffee, fast foods, and replace it with a diet of fresh fruit, veges, particularly green leafy veges, muesli, fresh fish, berries, certain nuts, green teas and fruit smoothies.
This plus a daily exercise regime and living a less stressful lifestyle would go a long way towards lowering the cancer rates among the adult population, and guess what - you'll feel better, and you'll lose weight!
Hardly a comprehensive 'diet and lifestyle' list, but its a start,
How to 'build the fence at the top of the cliff' without coming on as the food police - ah, thats the rub! But if enough ardent, passionate cancer sufferers could be compelled to tell their story, and share how their cancer experience affected not only them but their wider family, we might be on to something. As Stephen Covey said, habits show our true character, because they show who we really are. Changing takes some doing, but if its a matter of life of death, I guess the change is worth it.
Over to you.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Keep searching
You know the old adage - if you've lost something, you keep searching until you find it. If its not of any real value, you may give up, and live without it. Its of no real consequence anyway.
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it - 'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!
But what if it is of value?
In fact, what if its a matter of life or death, or at least a quality of life that you miss and want to get back to? That's how I feel - still tormented by the 'whats ifs' in trying to shake off the horrible effects of chemo. Painful feet, stiff and sore joints, fatigue that kicks in at the most embarrassing times. What if there is a way it could be overcome?
Well, I'm trying something new next week. My trips to Whangarei have had a side benefit. i have met a Naturopath (dont laugh) who is convinced he can help, and is prepared to give me a free, no holds barred assessment of my 66 yr old going on 99 body, and offer ways of cleaning out the residual toxins left by the chemotherapy.
So we'll see what happens. Nothing venture, nothing win, as the great man himself said.
Who knows, we might see prayer answered from the most unlikely of sources. But then, thats often the way.
Two landmark birthdays coming up - we look forward to sharing the occasion with family on the weekend.
That'll make 3 birthdays I've celebrated since the cancer news over 2 years ago.
As George Burns eloquently put it - 'if i knew i was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself'
Keep the journey real!
Friday, February 1, 2013
Thats Holmes tonight...
I caught Sir Paul Holmes final interview, so his untimely death today didn't come as a great shock. What it did do was remind me of the frailty of life, and how, try as we might, we'll never be masters of our own destiny. From the top of the broadcasting world one year to a relapse which caused an indecently fast downward spiral, followed by, well, death. It all seems very unfair, very surreal, very wrong.
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
I hope and pray he managed to 'put his life on the right side of the ledger' as he so eloquently put it and make his peace with God. That decision, at least, we do have control over.
My course of radiation originally planned for early Jan didn't happen - they determined the pain had subsided to a level that it wasn't warranted. But it the past 2 weeks the pain in the side (presumably from the cancer in the bone) has started to kick in again, so I'm going back on Monday for the real deal. A one shot burst of radiation, followed by another if and when required. Because its near the surface they are confident they'll do the business, and the tumor should disappear. No guarantees though that it wont spring to life in some other area! Cancer is like rust, it never sleeps.
Other problems have settled down - the cellulitis in the leg, the shingles - both are pretty well healed, although the lungs are still a cause for concern. New small tumors keep popping up - a visit to the oncologist next week should confirm the best or worst case scenario.
Life is still a beautiful thing - every day is a bonus. At least, thats what Sir Paul would say. Thats all you people today - thats Murray tonight!
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